I have news.
Very big news.
News that you honestly won't give a shit about at all, but I honestly don't care.
I need to type out a big long thing about how this one bit of information made me feel.
It will probably be lengthy and full of lots of emotions and freaking out, so if you don't really like reading that sort of thing, you should probably stop reading. I'm just trying to let you know ahead of time.
Well, here goes nothing.
Ehem, so, I have a very good friend of mine who attended the recent VidCon. For those of you who have no idea what the hell that is, it's basically a big huge convention (similar to that of ComicCon, DragonCon, etc.) where YouTubers (people who have become famous and now have a career based on making YouTube videos) gather and fans come and meet them. There were tons of awesome YouTubers there, like Tyler Oakley, Danisnotonfire, AmazingPhil, Ricky Dillion, and so many more! It just so happened the very first YouTuber I subscribed to and became a fan of, Toby Turner A.K.A. Tobuscus, was going to be there as well. So, since I couldn't go, I asked my friend if she could bring a piece of fan art I recently made with her to VidCon and try and give it to him at some point. She said she would, and I was so happy. The fan art I asked her to bring was this:
Her going to VidCon was actually the reason for me drawing that piece, which I am just so proud of!
Anyways, I sent it to her via email, and she printed it out and brought it with her to VidCon. It thrilled me to know that Toby would actually receive this art at some point during VidCon, and I prayed that it would at least put a smile one his face. He didn't have to love it, he didn't have to like it all that much. I just wanted the smallest hint of a smile to creep onto his face when he first looked at it.
Now, of course I was really nervous about it. What if it got lost? What if she didn't get a chance to get it to him? What if he hated it? What if he really liked it, but lost it somehow? I was so absolutely terrified of what could happen as the days went by. I was mostly scared of the fact that he might not like it, even though I've heard from a lot of people that it's really good. I know it's really good in my heart, but you can't help but doubt at least a little bit.
Finally, on what I think was the end of the second or third day of VidCon, I received an email from my friend saying that she had finally gotten to see Toby and give him my fan art. It was after she met the ever-wonderful Danisnotonfire and the spectacular AmazingPhil that she saw a line to go meet Toby. It had about 200 people on it or so, according to her rough estimate, but she actually managed to slip in without anyone noticing. Yes, I know it's rather rude to cut in line, but hey, people do it all the time. I didn't even ask her to do it. She just did. She's actually pretty good at that sort of thing.
Still, she waited behind however many people were in front of her before she met Toby. I have no idea what she said to him when she first approached, but she probably said after greeting him that she had some fan art from a friend of hers who couldn't come to VidCon, so instead, she brought it with her to bring to him. Now, if I were actually there, I probably would have been scared out of my mind. As I read through her email, I was scared out of my mind. But then, Toby said that it was perfect and so awesome. (My friend couldn't remember the exact words, but she knew he said something like that.) When I read that, I started smiling and giggling like a maniac, and then I started crying. I was just so happy and so relieved but mostly happy because he actually liked it! He really liked it! I just couldn't believe it. I was overwhelmed with positive emotions, and never have I ever felt more like I was actually a really good artist than a that moment. I felt so inspired to draw a million Tobuscus fan arts or draw myself sobbing hysterically over the fact that he liked it so much or just draw anything really. But, I couldn't. I was crying too hard and my hand wouldn't stop shaking when I held my mouse.
It's the absolute most amazing feeling to know that Toby-who is a big rolemodel, inspiration, a person who can make me smile when I honest to God feel like crying, and maybe even a bit of a father figure for me-likes what I do. My art is my life, my passion, and a huge part of who I am. It's the one thing I want to do forever and ever, along with writing. It means the world to me that not only did he love my drawing, but my friend actually printed it out, made sure it was totally safe the whole way there, walked around every single day she was at VidCon with it, and waited for what was probably hours to give it to Toby for me. She didn't have to do it. She didn't have to go and give it to him. She didn't have to bring it with her. She didn't have to make sure it was completely undamaged, without even a single fold in the paper, when she gave it him. She didn't have to say yes when I asked her to bring it with her. But she did, and that means the world to me. Everything that happened that day means more than mere words could ever hope to describe.
Now, and you may find this bit a little ridiculous, but my friend sent a picture of Toby when he first got the art. It was probably just a few seconds afterwords, since my friend's hand is still out stretched, but I can just see the beginnings of a smile. The right side of his mouth was curled slightly, like he was about to half smile, but the camera took the picture just before he did. So, I took this picture, gave it a name in all caps, and then made it my desktop. That's right, a picture of Toby just about to half smile while holding a piece a paper which has my art printed on it while my friend's back is to the camera and her arm is outstretched is my desktop. The reason is because I never want to forget that moment. I want to look at my desktop after closing my windows either from losing interest in what I was doing online or getting angry because a drawing just isn't turning out right or even just by accident, and I want to smile. I want to smile and remember the sheer amount of joy I felt when I first got wind that Toby "Tobuscus" Turner said that he loved my fan art of him. I want to be inspired to continue my art every single time I want to quit every time I look at my desktop. I want to remember that one moment in my life where I had no doubts at all that I, Brighid "Sully" Sullivan, am a great artist. That for once in my life, my lack of confidence wasn't an issue. That I am good enough, and I can only get better.
The same goes for you, you know. That despite how bad you may think you are, and despite how much you want to quit, you can honestly only get better. This really applies to anything. You can only ever get better at what you do. And even though I don't know who exactly might be reading this right now, I think that the people who's art I have been exposed to and seen is really really good! And their writing too! Sure, there is room for improvement for all of us, but for now, let's just roll with what we've got. Whatever it is that you do that you love just as much as I love doing art and writing, I'm sure it's great. And you'll get there. You can be the next J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or Steven Spielberg or Vincent Van Gogh or whoever it is that you look up to. For me, I hope to be as good as Gabbi, Kiwa, and Lunast some day. They're my favorite artists of the modern day. Seriously, they're amazing. Go check them out if you have the chance. But don't be intimidated by their skill! They were once where we are now, believe it or not. You don't magically become that good over night. It takes years and years of practice, hard work, and dedication. Passion doesn't hurt either. So some day, you'll get there. You just have to keep believing, because even if you start to doubt yourself, I will always believe that you can get better. Don't quit. Not yet. Keep going. You'll get to where you want to be someday. Look forward to that, and remember to always have something that will inspire you to draw or write or do whatever it is you do nearby. It helps, I promise.
With that, I conclude my story. I will always cherish that moment and that memory. I know for sure that it's going to help when the doubt starts coming back to haunt me. I have never felt more pride for a drawing that I have for that one. As you can tell from my reaction of the WIP version, I was already so super crazy about how it turned out. I was already in love with the piece, and I thought I couldn't be prouder of the finished product until I heard Toby's feedback. I just felt so good. Like a much larger version of how I feel whenever someone says they like my art or I get a favorite or a comment saying how good something I made is. It was a truly incredible thing to experience, and I really hope all of you out there get to experience it too someday. I really do.
So I think that's about it. That's honestly all I have to say. I'm sorry for the unnecessarily long journal entry. And, I'm sorry for turning the tables and throwing in some very uncalled for inspirational stuff. I know I do that a lot. So, um, sorry. And sorry for apologizing so much. Wow, I sound so much like Wilt from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends right now with all this apologizing. And now I'm rambling too. Sorry.
I'm going to try and be more active on here, but no promises! I'm quite a busy person. My camp just started up, which means I'll be gone all day, and I have to get up early for camp as well, so I'll need to go to sleep earlier. So, that means less time to draw my super awesome and totally amazing digital art. But, if I can figure out how the hell to work a fucking scanner and make it work well, I can just scan traditional stuff and post on here. Or I can take low quality crappy pictures of my traditional stuff with my computer webcam. Eh, whatever will work I guess. I'm just going to do my best to stay active.
Well, I simply must make myself shut up. It is 12:40 AM and I have to wake up around 7 or something later today. So, goodnight, good morning, or good afternoon to you all, and I'll see you around.